Moonshine Muse

The Best Valentine Day Ever

2007-02-14T21:55:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is sort of sad but I don't celebrate V-day. I've always been single around this holiday anyway so no biggie. But here is the sad and wonderful part, this year's V-day was the best I've ever had and here is why:

I've been on rotations during my clinical year in the PA program. This month, I am on psychiatry at the VA hospital. I love being at the VA and had requested to be here for psych. I love it. The patients are great, the hours are good, and the atmosphere is laid back. I could not have asked for a better way to get back into clinicals after spending two months sitting at home writing a thesis. For valentine's day I got a box of chocolates from one of the patients on the floor which I thought was very sweet, even though he was not a patient of mine. I honestly didn't know what to do, should I have accepted it? Don't know. Don't care. Because I could not refuse such a thoughtful, generous thing for a man who happens to like celebrating valentine's day. These veterans are wonderful men, most are men anyways, who I feel have experienced things that I could never have imagined. I have grown to respect those who have been through so much and able to still go on living. War isn't pretty but since I will never know what it will truly be like, I have a very difficult time trying to help veterans who are forever changed by it. To see the results of combat on their body as well as their minds is at times truly horrific for me and I find it just as hard to not be cynical of war because the after-effects are so ugly.

So to accept a gift from an old veteran who had been a POW in Germany and has experience such ugly things in the past, who could still take joy on such a holiday, who wanted to celebrate it by giving chocolates to someone who he knows is quite naive of the world and its politics, who had accepted without blame my stupidity for such things. . . I accept his gift.

On a lighter note, another patient - not mine and around my age who is quite attractive, had left the inpatient floor today. He left me a flattering letter. Again, don't know him, he's not my patient, and I did not speak to him until he introduced himself to me yesterday. He wrote sweet things but in the end, essentially asked me out and left me his number. I have this personal thing where I will always reply back because if a guy had the nerve to ask me out, he deserves an answer from me. It isn't right to ignore him. Trouble is, he has been a patient at the VA and I know that it isn't wise for me to contact such a patient, therefore I will not even think of going out with a person who was a patient that I know and have seen. Besides, he has his own problems that he needs to work on anyways. So therein lies the dilemma, he deserves a reply so to acknowledge that I read his letter and did not ignore him, but I can't contact him because that is overstepping the bounds. Right? I feel extremely bad that I can't answer him, even if it's a rejection. I hate this - "knowing what is right for him as a guy" contradicting with "knowing what is right for him as a patient".

All in all, it was the best Valentine's day because I received chocolates from one patient and had been flattered by another patient, both of whom had made this a wonderful day for me.

A life that I cannot get back to...

2006-05-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

I miss home. I have been in PA school for eight and a half months now. I went back to Big D just two weeks ago and there are things that I certainly miss. I miss my family and my friends. I miss the non-student life. I miss making money.

I sat around friends that are doing cool things because they have the time and funds. I have friends that are learning to scully, some taking cool classes like painting, and some that are about to embark on to new things in life. When asked what I've been doing...I have nothing to say but that I go to class, study every day, and that is about it. Pretty boring if I must say. I just find it humorous how I just have no life and I sit with friends who do. Quite a paradox. Sure, I can wait until I get out of school and join the fun-filled activity life with being financially set in a job, as my friends say. But what they don't seem to understand is that my life will never be like theirs. I won't have that free time like I used to years ago. There will be even more things that need to be done and my obligations will not be to myself, family, and friends, but to my future patients as well. I just wish I could have taken more advantage of all that free time that I had before. Who knew that I would regret such a thing.

I am not depressed about this. I guess you can say that I am in mourning of a life that I quite enjoyed but could not stay in forever. It's kind of like the board game of LIFE, always going forward but you can't go back. But then, I wouldn't like a life that mimicks the game SORRY, where I may keep having to start over. That couldn't be good either :)

Anatomy Service of Gratitude

2006-03-26T17:28:00.000-08:00

There are no words to say thanks to those who donated their bodies to medicine. It is a charity of enormous sacrifice that only those who have taken cadaver anatomy can understand. So I wrote a little thank-you to those donors:

Thank you for what you have given us.
You donated your body to medicine
of your own free will
expecting nothing in return
without knowing the full extent
of the power of knowledge
that you have imparted to us.
Without knowing that the education
was beyond any textbook,
any website,
or any imagination
could ever provide.

Without knowing that the experience
allowed us to feel and to express
the excitement of the anatomy lab,
the graveness of unveiling your face,
the nervousness in that first incision,
the humor because some of us needed it,
the surprise of those unexpected discoveries,
the lightheadedness for the difficult parts,
the fear of exploring those "shy" areas,
the fascination that is the human body,
the deep respect as we realized
the magnitude such a donation to medicine
truly means to us and our future.

In those few hours a week
spent in your presence
you have overwhelmed our senses.
Overwhelmed our eyes,
our sense of touch,
and for some of us,
our sense of smell.
Overwhelmed us
with knowledge in one hour
equal to what it takes
ten textbooks to explain.

Perhaps you gave
because we are
the future of medicine...
But what you may not know
is that you truly became
a part of our future,
or in many ways,
you actually gave it to us.

Six months later...

2005-12-29T22:37:00.000-08:00

Wow, has it been six months since my last posting? Many things have happened since then.
Worked like crazy during July and August, moved to Connecticut, and started school. School...I am lovin' it!!! I love my classmates, the program is great, and Yale is awesome! Connecticut is beautiful with all the trees and some mountains that are not really big so I don't know if they count as mountains. But comin' from Texas, they're mountains to me. During the past four months, I have become a sort of alien, no longer human. At least I don't feel that way. I am not myself. I spend every waking moment in class or studying like crazy. I had blocked out everything that was me. I blocked out my friends, my family, my life in Texas. I was too busy to even realize it. My short-term memory is shot. I missed everyone's birthday because I couldn't even keep track of what day it was. Sounds like hell? Not really. This is all part of the process I guess. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. It has been an intense, extremely stressful, chaotic kind of lunacy. A part of my life that were I to write an autobiography, I'd title this chapter: INSANITY. And I love it. Where is the logic in that? I don't know, must have left it somewhere between Texas and Connecticut. I am on Christmas vacation right now. Two weeks to be normal and it took a couple of days to adjust to it. People keep asking, "How is school? How many hours am I taking?" And I can't quite describe it. School? Well, I am passing so that is definitely a good thing. Hours? No such thing. I have a list of classes and people can try to guess the hours but what is the point? In four months I went through physiology, anatomy with full cadaver dissection, physical diagnosis and examination, immunology, dermatopathology, cardiopathology, microbiology, biochemistry, research/thesis work, pharmacology, diagnostic imaging, and pathology. Maybe there are a couple more classes but I can't keep track anyway. If anyone wants to figure out the hours, be my guest. I still illogically love it.

Reliving TV - Part II

2005-06-12T16:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, freaky, but I have to tell this one since it was so funny. I was watching late night reruns of Will and Grace. In one episode, Will goes on a date with one of those arrogant conceited bastards. In one of their conversations, the date is talking to Will and says, "So I've been thinking of something special to get my parents for their anniversary. I want it to be something personal. I figured CASH was personal enough, what do you think?"

He, he. Oh, the horror to think I actually dated one of those. If any of you have known me for a couple of years, then you guys know what I am talking about!

Reliving TV

2005-06-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

Omigosh! I just discovered that I had relived an episode of Friends. Watching a late-night rerun of Friends, I came upon Monica and Richard sort of becoming friends after a huge break-up over wanting different futures. But finding that they miss each other, they end up becoming friends with benefits instead. After a wonderful week, Monica finds that she wants exclusivity.

M: Why can't we be the kind of friends that sleep only with each other, friends that spend time together, friends that could one day stand in front of other friends and say to each other, "friends forever"?
R: Well, we could do that . . . but in the end, we would still want different things.
M: I-I need to go. . . getting over you was the hardest thing I had to do, and I don't think I can do it again. . .

Soap opera-ish, I know, but oh so true. Sounds familar? Only to me. I guess that means that I am Monica.

At least they didn't take my cowboy hat. . .

2005-04-06T21:42:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know, my car was broken into Sunday night in uptown. Unfortunately, I wasn't the only one. Two other cars were also burglarized a few blocks up at a restaurant's valet parking a couple of hours before. They took my gymbag with dirty clothes, rollerblades, and a brand-new $100 down coat that I had just purchased from my trunk. They broke my passenger side window and took my little flashlight and my car stereo. Total costs to replace the car stereo, the dashboard piece they broke to get the stereo, and window? $500. A couple hundred more to get new rollerblades, swim gear, and another coat. Not to mention having to cancel a couple of credit cards because I had receipts lying around and who knows which receipts came from idiotic stores that print the whole credit card numbers on them. Totally sucks. Having had my car broken into before years ago, and having had a car stolen from me before; it could have been worse. I am slightly cheered that they did not steal my car and that they didn't take my very expensive cowboy hat. Even the cops agreed that they were surprised that the hat wasn't taken. Apparently, the thieves were total amateurs not to have recognized a good cowboy hat when they see one. Or they just weren't "true" Texans.

Ivy League Here I Come!

2005-03-21T21:31:00.000-08:00

Well, it is official. I received my letters from Yale today. My name is on the class roster along with 14 males and 18 other females. I am the only Texan on this list. I actually went out and bought a cowboy hat for just the occasion. Along with the class roster came the tuition costs and so forth. Yep, I am really going to Yale. Somehow the letters, especially the itemized list of the tuition and costs, made it a reality for me. Sure, I knew for awhile but it was mostly lurking in my subconscious. Peeking out every once in awhile but quickly getting shoved back in. I had an absolutely wonderful birthday thanks to my friends (oh, and alcohol, too). When people wrote in my birthday cards saying that they will miss me when I go away, it was a real effort to hold back tears. Uh, oh, my eyes are starting to swell. I still can't quite imagine being someplace else yet. Breathe and take it slow. Whoosahhh!

Somewhere in the middle. . .

2005-02-26T23:32:00.000-08:00

There is a reason why I don't drink very often. It doesn't take much for me to feel the buzz. However, I don't like the state of mind I am in when I am highly buzzed from the alcohol. My guard is down, I get chatty, and I am happy. . .when I am with other people. If I am around someone I am attracted to (and that does not happen very often), of course, I get a little horny. But alone, I am contemplative, sometimes depressed, and lonely. Which is why I write now to let go of my thoughts. But for those of you who do not want to read something depressing, I suggest that you do not read the rest of this particular blog. Curious I know that you may be, I realize that you will continue to read regardless. What do I think of under the influence and alone? Oh, well, my life and where it is going and where do I want it to go. I think of my past quite often. And it will almost always be my past relationships because it is the part of my life that confuses me the most and for which I have conceded that I will have no understanding.

To recap, I fell in love with a guy who did not want me. Our last encounter made me realize that I was not someone whom he thought he could spend the rest of his life with. Basically, in a nutshell, I believe I was more like his sex buddy. And it still hurts to think he actually thought I could be that kind of person. This continues to confound me because then I wonder what kind of image must I be projecting because he is not the only one to think that. I also realize that he never really tried to get to know me, although he believes that he has. What is with that anyway? It was clear that he did not know me at all, and he seemed to think he has summed me up to one kind of person, without giving me the benefit of the doubt.

Well, herein lies my problem. As I was out bar-hopping, I realized that I had never really fit in to one scenario or the other. To those who are close to me and really know me, I am a girl who could only be in serious relationships. And to guys who are only into the one-night-stands and the friendships-with-benefits, they see that I am too serious for them. However, to guys who are looking for serious relationships, I seem to be too wild and they think that I am not the type who could settle down. I seem to be caught in the middle here. I am beginning to think that many guys are not as smart as I believe them to be. If they did not know it, would it not be simpler to just ask what I am looking for and what I want instead of just making groundless assumptions? I cannot win here. Seems that the only way to do so would be to meet someone who does not have some ridiculous stereotypic ideal that I must live up to in order to qualify to be a part of their life.

Heh, heh, I guess you can tell that I've had a bit of bold alcohol and am being ridiculous. I am sobering up and will quickly publish this before I chicken out and not do it.

The other woman

2005-02-17T20:38:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, a very quiet and shy German engineer was interning in a lab. He fell in "love" with an Asian lab assistant who just wanted to be friends. Always the shy one, the engineer would only email her despite the fact that he sees her every day and works only one bench over. Unfortunately, he couldn't overcome his shyness and left for Germany without ever being able to have a conversation with her. But always hopeful, he continues to think about the Asian girl and hopes to see her again when he returns. Little does he know that a magical blue bird had discreetly enlightened the girl that the engineer actually had a secret girlfriend during this time. A serious girlfriend who happens to be the boss' niece. . .

Well, he wasn't really in love with me but just had a huge crush. Just think. . .I could have become "the other woman". Or as the blue bird has wisely mentioned, "I already am the other woman." I am not angry since I was not interested, but I am highly humored.

Exxon, hope, and super unleaded gas

2004-12-17T21:38:00.000-08:00

I had to put gas into my car today. As a creature of habit, I nearly always go to Exxon on Lemmon Ave., and no matter what the price is I choose super unleaded gas. I don't know why, I just do.

As I wait for my tank to get full, I looked around at the other customers. I noticed a lovely couple sharing a hot drink while waiting at the gas pump. I wonder if they chose super unleaded gas.

As I continue to watch them, my eyes soften, my mouth turns up a bit at the sweet scene, and I acknowledge the seedling of hope that I often feel when I observe all things romantic. I constantly remind myself that though I am and feel cynical and jaded about such moments these days; inside, I still have hope. Yes, I remain independent and single. I choose to be such and experience good and bad days. Even though I am working on forming a new path in my life, I still retain my vision of ideal love. I can't help it, I always choose super unleaded gas.

I remember a part in the book I am currently reading,

"I want to see, real, living, and in the hours of my own days, that glory I create as an illusion. I want it real. I want to know that there is someone, somewhere, who wants it, too. Or else what is the use of seeing it, and working, and burning oneself for an impossible vision? A spirit, too, needs fuel. It can run dry."

I don't think independence will provide me with all the fuel needed. So I wonder how far will my independence take me because I will always choose super unleaded gas.

Why not gray?

2004-12-16T11:27:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder why people think and act in black and white? Such things are never absolute. Yet we constantly want things to be exact and infallible. For some reason, we seem to better accept the extremes because there is no confusing gray areas. However, if I ponder further and think about what I know and what I am taught, I see that grayness is everywhere. A fact is not really absolute, it just has not been validated as false. Religion is a gray area. Mathematicians believe in infinity. Science is based on theories that have not been proven wrong. Even my hair is not the color black, rather it is a very dark brown, so dark that it looks black. I can't help but think that our absolutes are not really absolutes. Absolutes are shades of gray that "looks" black or white. I must also consider that our decisions in life are not definite. They can be 50.0000001% to 99.9999999% one way, or 0.0000001% to 49.9999999% the other way. So if this is the case, why not embrace the gray areas on which we live our lives. What is wrong with gray?

Today's Daily Humor Is?

2004-12-14T15:24:00.000-08:00

I saw something funny today while I was in the women's restroom. Inside the stall that I was in is a hot pink sign that says, "If you sprinkle while you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie". No doubt it is a common problem in the ladies' restrooms.

Greetings from Cozumel burp

2004-11-15T21:31:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone. Well, the cruise is kind of fun. Not sea-sick yet but my sister and dad are not doing well. Made my dad take two pills to knock him out but it didn't take till the next night before the effects wore off. Did some amazing snorkeling with my family. Saw lots of fat colorful fish and a three and a half foot long barracuda. Bought some souvenirs for my peeps. My sister and I had one margarita/pina colada. Got really buzzed and had to wait awhile outside of the ship, next to the large anchor, eating a box of Fruit-Loops until we felt well enough to get back on the rocky boat. Food is yummy so there is no way in hell I am going on any diet. Won $113 in roulette yesterday, lost $53 today, and made two new OSU roulette buddies. All in all, not bad. Anyways, gotta go. I paid $55 for only 100 min of internet.

bunt bunt OVER!!!

2004-11-10T00:40:00.000-08:00

In my first team sport, sand volleyball, we actually won against a team after many games of failure. Yeah, "singles" team!!! Despite the cold temperatures, hard & damp sand, and strong wind factors, we prevailed. Some casualties (most of which are mine, of course) included sand in my eyes and mouth, injuring my foot on a hidden peg (conspiracy?), and feet cramping up due to digging in the hard, cold sand. Always tons of fun when your gettin' dirty (whether it's sport-related or not) ;)

But on another note, thinking of tomorrow when I must potentially face my ex again when I go to class, and remembering earlier conversations with other females. . .

It is easiest to regress,
easier still to move on,
and easy to forget.
But it is hard to accept,
harder still to let go,
and the hardest to be happy.

Why do I make my life more complicated?

In the words of Caroline (Poltergeist). . .

2004-10-31T17:41:00.000-08:00

I'm baaaaa-aaaack!!

My apologies everyone for keeping you and myself out of the loop. After weeks of studying for the GRE, applying to grad schools, and 60 hour work weeks, it is over. Whew! I can breathe again. I can have my normal life again. I can go out and play again. I am looking forward to it. But where is everybody else? I even had to miss Halloween, first time since I moved back to big D. During these weeks, I've actually had stress dreams quite often, almost every day. Something that has never happened before. But during my sleepless, stressful, dazed nirvana, I've had some reflections that I will perhaps share a little later. Others I will keep to myself:) Alas, I must stop writing so that I can start studying for an exam. On a last note (one that especially means something to me),

If, in your course, you don’t meet
your equal, your better,
then continue your course
firmly, alone.
There’s no fellowship with fools.
-Dhammapada (Daily Buddhist Wisdom)

Later peeps!

And now in June. . .

2004-07-22T13:28:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I've been remiss. I told you that I'd be a terrible blogger. I tried to get on the computer last night, but my temperamental internet connection was down sick. Well, let me wrap up June.

June

Guy #1: I never emailed the Mother's Day guy so I haven't heard from him since. It isn't that it wouldn't be nice to be friends and hang out with new people. Love that. I just got lazy. Everything that I base by memories of him is from our one date last year. To be honest, he bored me to hell. So I wasn't eager to be bored again. I know, maybe it is harsh but he wasn't remarkable, and I don't have time for unremarkability. Hmm, I do wonder though if he is going to contact me again next year around Mother's Day? If he did, gotta admire the persistence. . .or maybe freak out about the stalking.

Guy#2: One of my friends from San Francisco came to visit me. I usually tell him almost everything, something about him being far away and not really in my life makes it easier for me to talk to him. Well, we talked about my last relationship and how I was still a little sad about it. Then he ever so kindly offers to be my sex buddy to help me get over it. Okay, first of all, UGH! Second of all, surprised and a little weirded out. Third, are guys really this single-minded? Fourth, even if I wanted a sex buddy, shouldn't I first be physically attracted to my sex buddy? Anyways, in a sarcastically sweet voice, I declined. I don't think I am that desperate.

Guy#3: At the end of May, I started going out again. You know, do the things I used to do before. Going out to clubs and bars to hang out with friends, started training for a triathlon, that sort of thing. Well, there is this Ricco Suave guy that I had met about a year ago who hangs out with my friends off and on. Never really got to know him because most of the time that I've seen him, he's happily drunk. No biggie, just a fun party guy. On my first night out, we got to talking. For two weeks after, we talked almost everyday for a couple of hours. Found that he wasn't a stupid party drunk but an intelligent, funny, philosophical guy who likes to read and go road biking. He found that I wasn't a snobby uptight girl (no idea where he got that idea). Things that I don't like. . .the smoking and not just cigarettes. I am not bothered too much by people smokin' the gangja every once in awhile. I am bothered by addiction. Although I believe he is not addicted to gangja, I believe he IS addicted to cigarettes. And I cannot stand to smell it on him, his clothes, his breath. . .Soo-ooh not attractive. I can't get over strong cigarette smell. First time he tried to kiss me, I pulled away and told him that although I liked him, I am not too fond of the smoking. . .I can smell it on him and it's a total turn-off. 'Course I tell him in a playful but serious tone. 'Course he laughed, didn't believe me, and tried again (complete with the whole "leaning" thing). And 'course, I pulled back and he finally got the message. The next weekend, we went out again (I thought as friends) and experienced the whole awkward end-of-the-night-what-should-I-do moment of which I broke by saying goodnight. After that night, he stopped calling me. Sad though, I enjoyed talking to him. Isn't that just like a guy? If he thinks he's gonna get some, call her, talk to her, hang out with her. If he ain't gonna get any, drop her and run away. Guess I can't blame him though. . .a person can only take so much rejection. But "thou shall not smoke" is one of my absolutely-no-compromise requirements for a guy that I date. I have personal reasons for this and it is something I feel strongly about. Now, we hang out once in awhile or go biking together as friends. I prefer it this way. . .no complications. Probably still not ready to date. I think I'm gonna quit for now.

Yeah, I've finished the dating chapter. Sorry that it took awhile. Now, I can talk about my unforgettable-wish-I-was-still-there-but-darn-I-can't-cuz-it's-too-expensive trip to Europe. Still don't have pictures yet but am hoping to get them soon so that I can post them. Until my next blog. . .

The past is creeping up from behind. . .

2004-06-22T00:37:00.000-07:00

It has been a long while since I've last blogged. So to recapitulate on the past two months, I will only highlight the main things of late.

May
Two guys from my past have contacted me. Now, this is very strange for me because usually my past stays in the past. Rarely does my past come up from behind to enter my present to then possibly become part of my future.

Guy #1 is a little psychotic and I really don't care to hear from him. I haven't heard from him in over a year and a half so it comes as a large surprise when I receive a letter and an extravagant gift. Therein lies an inner dilemma for me. I wanted to give it back because I wanted nothing to do with it and I didn't need a constant reminder of HIM. I also believe that it could be a guilt gift, and if he feels guilty then I sure as heck did not want to relieve him of it by accepting the gift. But my close friends keep telling me to "keep it" after knowing all that I had been through, knowing what he has done in the past, and knowing that I don't owe him anything. While that is also true, I still was not comfortable with keeping it. How did I decide? Well, the decision came about a month later when a good friend mentioned that he is somewhat mental and therefore does not think like other normal guys. So how do I know what his intentions were? What really sealed the deal? He pissed me off so I decided to keep it after all.

Guy #2 is more normal. I met him on Mother's Day last year. I went on one date and since I wasn't interested, hadn't heard from him since. But again, oddly enough, he contacts me right after Mother's Day of this year. Although I am flattered that he still wants to take me out, I am a little perturbed that he contacts me around Mother's Day. I mean, shouldn't he be occupied with his mother rather than think about me on Mother's Day!!! Geez, how scary. To be nice, I replied thinking,"Friends?". . .Nope, he asks me out again. How do I nicely tell someone that I am not interested?

Stay tuned for June. . .

To the Girl Wearing the Sweater from South Africa Today

2004-05-26T12:23:00.000-07:00

An abridged message to you from the Dalai Lama:

"Never give up
No matter what is going on
Never give up
Develop the heart. . .
Work for peace in your heart and in the world.
Work for peace and I say again
Never give up.
No matter what is happening,
No matter what is going on around you,
Never give up."

It's all about taking the risks, baby!!!

Dear withadot,
it's been 19 days, 15 hours, and 43 minutes since my last blog. . .
I ask for your forgiveness for my past sins (yeah right, like I care).

Loud voices when I wake, loud voices when I sleep

2004-05-06T20:40:00.000-07:00

Ahh! Finally some peace and quiet in this house. It's been hard trying to find some quiet time with my thoughts at home, what with my dad always on the computer and my visiting aunt from Taiwan nearly blowing out the tympanic membrane in my ear with her loud and shrill voice. What is it with Asians and loud voices? This is a question that I've pondered for many years growing up. Are they afraid that they can't be heard? That the only way to hear the different tones of the language was to shout it out? Is screaming considered a good custom? I really cringe when I hear my aunt talking or when my mother excitedly talks on the phone. Especially with family get-togethers. . .now those are the worst. I keep forgetting to bring my earplugs for special occasions such as this. And when I speak, they can't hear me, always telling me that I am too quiet. Can you blame them? They probably blew out THEIR eardrums already.

Luckily, at this moment, everyone is asleep and I am reveling in the momentary solitude of the night. And this is why I am a night-owl. After the excitement, the hustling, the clamorous sounds of the day; I can absorb the subtle low tones of the night. I greedily consume the peace that I feel that I can only get when the sun dips below, out of sight, out of mind. I guess one could say that I am exhausted yet I do not know why. I have always loved the night and tonight, I am reconfirming that which I am thankful for. That Mother Nature has deemed that life must periodically slow down, to rest awhile, to allow us to rebuild the energy needed to successfully conquer another day.

A Woman's Prayer

2004-04-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Lord, I pray for...

Wisdom, to understand a man;
Love, to forgive him and;
Patience, for his moods.

Because, Lord,
if I pray for Strength,
I'll just beat him to death.

I refuse to give in!

2004-04-11T21:26:00.000-07:00

Okay, I received a third invitation to Orkut. I realize that this may be the new thing but I will not give in to the trend. Sorry guys, not interested. I may not pass GO, I will not collect my $200 dollars, and I may very well go to jail. Others have threatened to sign me in as an Orkut member for me, but know this: If I appear in Orkut, it is not really me, it is someone else falsely posing as me. Does that make me unsociable? Perhaps, but I prefer to remain somewhat anonymous to the world wide web. I love meeting people when I meet them face-to-face, they are more tangible and more real to me. Meeting people online just doesn't do it for me. I prefer chatting on the phone where I can hear melodious nuances of people's voices and tone. Chatting online, while has definite advantages, doesn't do it for me. I know, I know. . .I am most likely still living in the Stone Age.

What in the world is this?

2004-04-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

Eyeball Jewelry. I cannot believe research and money is going into "decorating the eyeball" instead of more important medical issues. True, it is no different than getting a lens implanted for vision correction or for cataract surgery but seriously, you may not want to mess with something as delicate as the eye. Vision is one of the most important senses to have. When I am old and gray, I think I'd value keeping my vision more than loss of hearing or decreasing motor ability. Why take the risk? They say there are no side effects so far and they do not expect any in the future. But looking at this picture, I'd say that the increase of blood vessels surrounding the jewel in this case is NOT a sign of good health.
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I am back!!

2004-04-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. . .it's been awhile but my period of stress and hell is over. After I recovered from a severe cold, I had three tests to study for within a week and it was freaking me out. I have a month until my next and last round of testing. Yeah! 29 days. . .696 hours. . .41,760 minutes. . .of no school stress.

I can almost remember what it was like when I was in college. I see the trend where I start off the semester doing great and then, as the weeks go by, I get tired of the studying and become unmotivated and then my grades drop. Then I spend the latter part of the semester trying to make up for it. Yes, this sucks. I don't like classes because trying to get a good grade interferes with my initial enjoyment of the class. I love learning as long as grades aren't in the picture. I do not like how they are used to determine intelligence or how they are used to judge a person's level of education and understanding within a subject. For instance, biological science classes are usually based on learning a bunch of facts. A student who makes an A in these classes does not necessarily have to understand the concepts or know how to apply these concepts to the outside world; all the student needs is excellent memory. A kick-a** memory will get you an A on a test, only to be later forgotten and never applied as it should be. Now, this does not happen with every subject, but it is pretty common in the sciences.

I have a great admiration for those that take these concepts a step further in understanding and application. This most likely explains why I enjoy research and its environment. Why I have a great respect for research scientists that dedicate a huge portion of their life to question, explore, and educate while exhibiting patience and fortitude; and withstanding frustration and discouragement. As I am writing this, I am thinking of Tsukasa, a fellow co-worker at the CBI who came to the U.S. three years ago and has since, done some amazing work in cancer research for our group. He is reluctantly returning to Japan to resume clinical practice in oncology surgery but he hopes to return to research in the future. I hope he will be able to because it is what he wants more. Others and I will surely miss him.

*cough,cough**sniff*

2004-03-23T10:40:00.000-08:00

I have a cold right now and it is making me feel pretty *ugh!* Will probably hold off on blogging until I can think straight again. But considering that my sister gave me this cold, the kid-sister song (see past entries below) has somehow reversed to:

Big-sister, big-sister,
Whatever I have (*cough**sniffle*),
You're gonna have,
Big-sister, big-sister,
Big-sister and meeee! (Aachooo!)

Or maybe I need to work harder in finding this balance between my mind and my spirit.

Brave New World in the making?

2004-03-21T20:21:00.000-08:00

I wonder if this could possibly be an evolutionary trend that could extend to other species. It would be a different version of the Brave New World that always frightened me if applied to humans (although the queen-thing doesn't seem too bad, he, he!).
"Finding a mate can be difficult. But at least we only have one other sex to worry about." I don't think the author considered bisexuals. . .but thinking science, I had to remember that a mate is defined as associating with another to propagate the species.

"Pity, then, Pogonomyrmex. These ants are, in effect, the first organism to have evolved more than two sexes. . .Pogonomyrmex has gone a step further down the path of interdependence by institutionalizing different roles in the genes. . .colony-founding queens must mate with a male of their own genetic strain to produce queens and need sperm from males of another strain to produce workers. . .as far as the superorganism is concerned, one male and one female may not be enough."
-5 March 2004 Vol.303:1464 SCIENCE magazine

Kid-Sister

2004-03-19T23:06:00.000-08:00

(sing) "Kid-sister, kid-sister
Where ever I go,
You're gonna go.
Kid-sister, kid-sister,
Kid-sister and meeeeee!" (song)

- from the female song version of the "My Buddy" Doll

Finding the Balance

2004-03-19T17:58:00.000-08:00

In certain Native American tribes (Navajo or Cherokee, I can't remember), the process of healing is quite different than Western medicine. The healer or medicine man/woman empowers their patients to find a balance between mind and spirit to cure their illnesses. In their belief system, balance is everything. The mind and the spirit are connected. The mind has an outlet through the voicebox and the spirit has its outlet through the heart, through feelings and emotions. Often, it is harder to listen to the spirit and because of this, leads to the mind making many of the decisions in life while the spirit is kept quiet. Eventually, one forgets to listen to the spirit and there is disconnection. To the Native Americans, this disconnection is the cause of disease. Now, I am in no way physically ill, but I feel this disconnection, this imbalance in myself. But in this case, my spirit is ruling over my mind. I am trying to find this balance between my mind and my spirit . . .believing that once I find it, I can be myself again, happy and ready to move on. I am a romantic at heart and my spirit is ever hopeful and forgiving. But my mind knows that what once was will not happen again, that it is not forever, and that I want more than what is offered. My mind knows that what my heart hopes for is not going to happen and that it is time to move on. If only my spirit and heart could be in balance with my mind, then I can move on. . . my healing could begin.

Going Shopping

2004-03-19T17:52:00.000-08:00

One of the ways that a girl tries to recover from a breakup is to form a new look or to make herself more appealing to somehow inspire confidence. As a result, I usually get my haircut or do some major shopping. I chose to not get a new hairdo because I did not want to spend the money. Ironically enough, I just ordered a whole lot of Avon products which ended up costing more than a new do. Somehow, I feel there is something wrong here.

Many Thanks

2004-03-17T21:14:00.000-08:00

Thank you Seizure of Power and Grandpa's Chipmunk for the warm welcome, I really appreciate it. I admit I was very anxious about blogging since I am at a point in my life when I am trying to recover from unhappiness. Why would I want to blog out my sadness to the world when I sometimes feel that it is unforgiving? But as withadot told me, that is the best time to blog. And in a way, he is right. So thanks again for the peer pressure, sometimes a person needs it. ... I must say though, Seizure of Power leads a very interesting life (dinner with the Arch Bishop of Nigeria?). Hope everyone is doing well. I bid you goodnight.

A Closed Door

2004-03-17T10:51:00.000-08:00

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." -Helen Keller

Reflecting on a previous conversation with Grandpa's Chipmunk while we were out rollerblading yesterday. . . I am reminded of one of the many things that I admire about her. It is her willingness to not only see the many doors that have opened before her but to also explore them. I, however, am not ready to see the open door. I am still looking at the closed one.

Life has a way of marking people's faces.

2004-03-16T22:35:00.000-08:00

Darn Blogger!

2004-03-16T21:50:00.000-08:00

Okay, so blogger is currently not allowing me to upgrade. Therefore, this site could potentially be a photo-less site. So for those of you who are more of the visual kind of person (such as myself) I cannot upload images unless linked. Fear not, there are other ways, I think. Ah well, such is life.

Re: Identity Crisis

2004-03-15T19:17:00.000-08:00

i like danielle's multiple personalities.

And so it begins. . .

2004-03-14T22:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, okay. . .so I finally did it. HAPPY now, Kausar? Boy, peer pressure really sucks.