Saturday, February 26, 2005

Somewhere in the middle. . . 

There is a reason why I don't drink very often. It doesn't take much for me to feel the buzz. However, I don't like the state of mind I am in when I am highly buzzed from the alcohol. My guard is down, I get chatty, and I am happy. . .when I am with other people. If I am around someone I am attracted to (and that does not happen very often), of course, I get a little horny. But alone, I am contemplative, sometimes depressed, and lonely. Which is why I write now to let go of my thoughts. But for those of you who do not want to read something depressing, I suggest that you do not read the rest of this particular blog. Curious I know that you may be, I realize that you will continue to read regardless. What do I think of under the influence and alone? Oh, well, my life and where it is going and where do I want it to go. I think of my past quite often. And it will almost always be my past relationships because it is the part of my life that confuses me the most and for which I have conceded that I will have no understanding.

To recap, I fell in love with a guy who did not want me. Our last encounter made me realize that I was not someone whom he thought he could spend the rest of his life with. Basically, in a nutshell, I believe I was more like his sex buddy. And it still hurts to think he actually thought I could be that kind of person. This continues to confound me because then I wonder what kind of image must I be projecting because he is not the only one to think that. I also realize that he never really tried to get to know me, although he believes that he has. What is with that anyway? It was clear that he did not know me at all, and he seemed to think he has summed me up to one kind of person, without giving me the benefit of the doubt.

Well, herein lies my problem. As I was out bar-hopping, I realized that I had never really fit in to one scenario or the other. To those who are close to me and really know me, I am a girl who could only be in serious relationships. And to guys who are only into the one-night-stands and the friendships-with-benefits, they see that I am too serious for them. However, to guys who are looking for serious relationships, I seem to be too wild and they think that I am not the type who could settle down. I seem to be caught in the middle here. I am beginning to think that many guys are not as smart as I believe them to be. If they did not know it, would it not be simpler to just ask what I am looking for and what I want instead of just making groundless assumptions? I cannot win here. Seems that the only way to do so would be to meet someone who does not have some ridiculous stereotypic ideal that I must live up to in order to qualify to be a part of their life.

Heh, heh, I guess you can tell that I've had a bit of bold alcohol and am being ridiculous. I am sobering up and will quickly publish this before I chicken out and not do it.

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